How do I feel?

I don’t know how I feel

Do I feel so much emptiness that it hurts?

Or do I feel so much pain that it blackens everything else into emptiness,

Nothingness.

I walk down the tree lined road, the bright sun bouncing off of the color-changing leaves.

Autumn coming, and I just can’t breath.

Do I walk until I can’t walk anymore?

Do I fight until there is no fight left in me?

Do I forget that I ever knew you, loved you?

Do I forget that you ever loved me, showed me?

The fresh crisp, country air I breathe into my lungs is a constant reminder that you are still in me—a part of me.

Is it the air that suffocates me or the lack of air that I gasp for?

Am I gasping and grasping for the air that used to be you?

I feel as if I’ve fallen from grace, viciously attacked by life without you,

Choking me, beating me, imprisoning me.

And yet I still fight

I flail and yell,

Punch the air, the wall and visions of what used to be,

What could be.

Is this emptiness or pain? I feel both.

Is this death or life? I feel neither.

I feel…

I don’t know what I feel.

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