I don’t know how I feel
Do I feel so much emptiness that it hurts?
Or do I feel so much pain that it blackens everything else into emptiness,
I walk down the tree lined road, the bright sun bouncing off of the color-changing leaves.
Autumn coming, and I just can’t breath.
Do I walk until I can’t walk anymore?
Do I fight until there is no fight left in me?
Do I forget that I ever knew you, loved you?
Do I forget that you ever loved me, showed me?
The fresh crisp, country air I breathe into my lungs is a constant reminder that you are still in me—a part of me.
Is it the air that suffocates me or the lack of air that I gasp for?
Am I gasping and grasping for the air that used to be you?
I feel as if I’ve fallen from grace, viciously attacked by life without you,
Choking me, beating me, imprisoning me.
And yet I still fight
I flail and yell,
Punch the air, the wall and visions of what used to be,
What could be.
Is this emptiness or pain? I feel both.
Is this death or life? I feel neither.
I don’t know what I feel.